How to use choices to develop mental flexibility

Did you know that the average adult makes 35 000 decisions – not over a life-time – but in a single day? And the average child? They make about 3000 decisions in a day. That’s a whole lot of decision making going on! Added together, those decisions have a huge bearing on our lives. From deciding what to eat for breakfast to choosing a life partner or career, decision making is an integral part of our existence.

To decide something, you need mental flexibility to weigh your options and then select one thing over another. Should I stay in this warm cosy bed for 5 more minutes or shall I get up now? Shall I have cereal for breakfast, or would I prefer toast?

Given how much decision making is needed for daily life and that this grows as we get older, it makes sense that we help our children to develop this skill. And since we know that flexible thinking is hard for those on the spectrum, it’s very important to include this in our approach with autistic children.

So where do we begin with young children? In its basic form, decision making involves choices. Infants start to make choices as early as 12 months and over time, they gradually improve in their ability to do this. To avoid overwhelming your child with options, it’s helpful to start by offering just two objects, for example, apple or banana, cars or blocks.  

The great thing about choices is that they give your child a sense of control. Instead of being given something they may or may not want, they get to select the thing they prefer. And that’s very empowering. It gives them a sense of control. As a result, you are less likely to encounter resistance – otherwise known as the toddler tantrum – when you give them an item and by default, make the choice for them.  Another wonderful thing about choices is that you get to set the parameters. So, whilst your child is enjoying their newfound autonomy, you can secretly revel in the idea that they are selecting from things you have pre-approved! If, for example, you’re trying to steer away from unhealthy snacks, you can offer carrots or cucumber which is a neat way of avoiding the biscuit problem.    

Although some children may appear to be competent “choosers”, it’s clear from their reactions that they aren’t really choosing. So, if your child gets upset after making a choice, it’s probably because they actually wanted the other thing. They understand that they should take something when offered but they haven’t yet developed the ability to weigh options. In this case, you can help your child by offering an “easy” choice. One thing you know they will definitely like and something else you know they probably won’t like. Then, through practise, your child will learn the connection between selecting something and receiving it. Over time, your child will learn to make choices that align with his / her wants.

Once your child can successfully make easy choices, increase the complexity by offering two things that are both appealing. So instead of making your child’s favourite item one of the choices, offer two equally desirable things. When your child is comfortable with this, continue to build “choice muscles” by giving three options, for example, three different breakfast cereals or three different toppings for toast.

To further develop choice making, you can present the options in picture form. Take photos of the items and let your child select from these rather than from real objects. If your child can do this successfully, move on to verbal choices. “Do you want jam or marmite on your toast?” “Do you want to play with cars or trains?”

In the words of Lao Tzu, “the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”. So, start offering choices when it comes to food, toys, TV programmes and books – and watch as your child takes little steps towards that 35 000 decision making power!

To your parenting journey!

Linda Philips

Parenting Autism