How to help your child think flexibly

One aspect of autistic children (and a feature of rigid thinking) is that they tend to be very self-directed. Simply put, they want to do what they want to do and not what you want them to do. And they can be very adamant about it! Perhaps your child doesn’t listen when you speak? Perhaps he / she only wants to play with certain toys or eat certain foods? Perhaps there is a meltdown whenever you need to leave to go elsewhere?  With this many battles in the day, it’s no wonder life can feel like you’re climbing Mount Everest.   

Logic and many eons of parenting tradition whispers at you to get a grip and bring some order to the chaos. You may feel despair or resort to shouting or disciplining your child to show who’s boss. But there’s a more effective way and it’s the opposite of what you may think …

The word “flexibility” conjures up images of gymnasts and contortionists who can bend their bodies into super-human shapes which leave us wincing. But flexibility isn’t just a physical phenomenon. Mental flexibility is something we all need. If you’ve read the last two blog posts, you’ll know that flexible thinking underpins skills, such as, being able to make choices and decisions, form friendships, learn in the classroom, have a conversation, predict consequences, solve problems, adapt, prioritise, negotiate, compromise, see things from another person’s perspective and manage change and uncertainty. Whew! That’s a long list and shows just how much flexible thinking is part of everyday life.  

As I’ve said in previous posts, teaching flexible thinking is not about preventing your child from playing with their favourite toys or eating their preferred foods. It’s not about stopping routines or rituals your child may have. These things have important purposes for your child and it would be extremely unhelpful to put a stop to them. It is, however, about equipping your child so they can manage everyday situations more effectively.

Teaching flexible thinking is a win-win for you and your child. It equips your child with some vital life skills and also, reduces the amount of time you spend persuading, coercing, and handling situations where your child is stuck.

As a parent, it’s in your job description to teach your child. But did you know that it can be helpful to let your child be the teacher? Before you assume I’m crazy and stop reading, let me explain. If you meet a friend for coffee, what do you talk about? Well it depends on which friend you are meeting. Are the topics the same when you get together with your elderly grandmother? No, they aren’t. We select topics based on what we know about the other person. We consider their interests when we speak. If your friend hates sport, you are very unlikely to talk about the latest tips from your Runner’s World magazine.

It’s no different with children. If we are constantly showing them how to play and what to do, it’s like discussing running tips with your non-sporty friend. There will be NO interest and therefore no response. But if you start to notice what interests your child and use that as the basis for play, then you’re onto a “pre-conversational” winner!   

So, observe your child. What interests him or her? What is done with toys and objects? And then copy. Do what your child is doing. It seems like nothing is happening but you are busy teaching your child a powerful lesson. One that says there is a me and a you. One that shows your child how to share and enjoy a space with another person. One that paints the picture of give and take. By tuning in to your child, you are showing them how to tune into you. You are demonstrating flexible thinking by putting aside your agenda and following theirs. This creates a space where your child will be more likely to tune in and learn from you. If you show your child how to build a tower of blocks when they’re not interested, zero learning will happen. But if they are playing with the blocks and you copy them, they will notice. And once this pattern is established, you will be able to show your child new things that can be done with those toys or objects.

Copying your child may seem small in the face of that long list of skills mentioned above but it is the foundation. And you know why a house needs a foundation? So, give it a whirl and remember, look after yourself – you are your child’s world.

Next week, we’ll continue the topic by exploring other ways you can teach your child flexible thinking skills.

To your parenting journey!

Linda Philips

Parenting Autism