Banish the confusion. Clear guidance on understanding neurodivergent communication.
On an early morning drive the other day, I suddenly found myself in dense fog which faded the road in front of me. I immediately slowed down hoping my tyres wouldn’t be destroyed by one of the many potholes that dot the country lanes where I live. Gripping my steering wheel, I edged forwards cautiously and then, just as suddenly as it had arrived, the fog disappeared into my review mirror leaving me in glorious sunlight.
That fog reminded me of the way neurodivergent people often experience communication. I’ve been told many times by clients that they feel as though there is some exclusive communication manual which everyone else has read – except them. And that leaves them feeling like they are operating in the fog hoping not to hit any miscommunication potholes.
Well, in the interests of lifting that fog, the following is an explanation for some of the miscommunications that happen between neurodiverse and neurotypical people.
Because we’re not dealing with overt physical differences, the challenges that arise in the communication arena can be hard to spot. So, what are these unseen challenges that cause communication breakdowns?
To understand this question, we must first consider how the thinking style of an autistic person differs from that of a neurotypical person.
What is the thinking style of an autistic person?
Although we are all unique, it is very common for autistic people to be highly structured thinkers who tend to process sequentially. Sequential thinkers process information in an orderly, logical, step by step manner.
This kind of thinking style is an excellent fit for certain tasks, such as, computer coding, budgeting, and using data and statistics. Sequential thinkers are very good at following processes and procedures. There are many jobs requiring sequential thinking which ensure the efficiency of various operations in our daily life. Heaven forbid that the aeroplane pilot has a haphazard approach to the pre-flight check before whisking you up into the air!
So, what has this thinking style got to do with communication?
Everyday conversation is a bit like a game of chess. Each move depends on the one that has preceded it. There is the need to constantly adjust with each new move rather than being able to plan the next 4 steps ahead.
Champion chess players may be able to predict the various options that are available, but communication has an infinite number of possibilities meaning that it’s very difficult to anticipate what another person will say.
Everyday conversation is more suited to a global thinking style. Global thinkers are big picture people who use context to process information.
The likely consequences of being a structured sequential thinker in everyday conversation are:
Problems with the to and fro nature of conversation
Given a propensity for more structured sequential thinking, it is not surprising that some autistic people do very well with scripts, for example when giving a speech or when acting on stage.
Challenges in everyday conversation are more likely to arise because of the constant need to adapt to new information. This may lead to the person either dominating the conversation or withdrawing due to the effort involved in constantly tracking a moving target. Of course, this can easily result in a disconnect because communication is one of the primary vehicles we have for achieving connection in relationships.
Difficulty with interruptions
Structured sequential thinkers often find it hard to deal with interruptions. The disruption may cause the person to lose track of where they were. This results in them either forgetting the point or starting from the beginning – and giving the other person knowledge that’s already been shared.
Forgetting the main point
Structured sequential thinkers often show good attention to detail. Of course, detail is important for tasks like coding, where one missing digit is the difference between success and failure.
But everyday conversation requires us to keep hold of the main topic whilst still being able to navigate a few rabbit warrens on the way. Easy for global thinkers but sequential thinkers are more likely to stay in the rabbit warren, focussing on the detail, rather than returning to the main point. Communication, can as a result, feel overly detailed or frustrating for the global thinker who has to work hard to maintain the thread of conversation.
Challenges with filling in the gaps
If you read transcripts of conversations between people, you will notice many errors in grammar and content. This is why it is so easy to detect when someone is reading compared to when they are speaking spontaneously. The two are quite different.
A global thinker easily compensates for these “errors” in spoken communication by filling in the gaps using contextual knowledge. A sequential thinker on the other hand, may have far more difficulty when it comes to assumptions or predictions.
So, the wife who asks her husband to collect bread and milk on the way home from work may be flawed when he asks for details like, which bread and how many litres of milk. She thinks it’s obvious based on what is normally bought but his mind is simply not filling in the gaps.
So where does that leave us?
Different thinking styles can easily lead to miscommunication and frustration. I will talk about strategies in a future post but in the meantime, it’s helpful to bear in mind that those differences may be weaknesses in one setting but strengths in another.
Many of our modern-day conveniences come courtesy of structured sequential thinkers! If you are a global thinker, try to put aside your frustration in everyday conversation and show compassion. You are dealing with an unseen difference that just might save your life the next time you step into an aeroplane!
To mutual respect!
Linda Philips
MSc. Human Communication
Autism Routemap supports autistic and neurodiverse people with coaching and training to improve communication, interaction, and emotional regulation skills. Interested in knowing how we can help?
Contact [email protected] or book a free Turning Point call here.
