4 Ways to Help your Child Follow Instructions
Does any of this sound familiar? “Come and sit down for dinner” – no response. “Time for bath” – tantrums. “Time for bed” – running around.
It can be exhausting and frustrating when your child “ignores” your instructions especially if you know that he / she understands what you are saying. Why then, the non-compliance?
The social understanding of neuro-typical children enables them to respond to instructions as soon as they can understand spoken language. Of course, they often resist, hence the term - “terrible twos” – but in the main, they choose to follow instructions because of their “social wiring”. They understand social hierarchy (I should do what my Mum tells me to do) and they naturally want to please you. Autistic children, on the other hand, do not have the same “social wiring” and consequently, they are often very self-directed. They follow their own agenda and find it hard to tune in to the plan of another person.
As a parent of a young child, you have many demands on your time. You may have other children to care for, a house to keep clean and tidy, washing and ironing to do, shopping and cooking. You may have a job to get to in the morning and little energy left by the end of the day. The lists are endless! Having a child who doesn’t follow your instructions can feel like that old straw that breaks the camel’s back.
So, what can you do? How can you get your child to do what you are asking? Because, we are talking about a “social wiring” difference, we need to come at this from a different angle. Your child is not trying to be difficult. This is not an intuitive process for them. If a neurotypical child ignores their parent, it’s quite possible that they are being defiant. They know what you want them to do and they choose not to. By contrast, an autistic child behaves without understanding the impact of their behaviour on you.
A powerful way to encourage compliance is through the use of motivation. We all respond better to things that are rewarding or motivating. If you ask me to eat a piece of raw liver, there is no way on God’s green earth that I will do it for free! But if you offer me £10 000.00, I’ll do it with a smile on my face! Likewise, your child is much more likely to comply if there is a perceived reward.
Now, I’m not talking about offering your child money to sit at the table. But I am talking about including the things that your child enjoys in routine activities. So, start with a list of favourite toys, activities, foods and objects - include any special interests your child may have. This will keep you mindful of the things that you can use in everyday life.
- Pairing motivating items with a non-motivating task
If your child is watching TV and you call them for bath time, TV is almost certainly the preferred option. Similarly, if your child is playing and you call them for a nappy / diaper change, they may be very reluctant to leave their toys. One option is to keep a motivating toy which they can play with - but only for that specific time e.g. when in the bath or having a nappy / diaper changed. So, when it comes to bath or nappy time, do what you normally do to signal this (e.g. show them an object / picture or tell them using words) and then show them the motivating object.
- Making the activity itself more motivating
Some things in life just need to get done. They are not fun or interesting. Anyone look forward to ironing? In the same way that watching a favourite TV programme can make ironing more bearable, there are ways to make mundane tasks more exciting. Take tidying toys away, for example. Make the process more fun by having a tidy up song or music your child enjoys, playing in the background – but only at tidy up time. You could also tidy alongside your child and give them a high-5 or other form of praise to make the process more enjoyable.
- Introducing the “fun-factor”
Children will often respond when there is a game element. So, instead of, “Let’s go to the bathroom”, try, “I’ll race you to the bathroom”.
- Using special interests to increase compliance
If your child doesn’t want to brush his / her teeth or put their socks on, you can encourage their co-operation by looking for objects that include their interests, e.g. a dinosaur toothbrush, socks with trains on them. Note – resistance can sometimes be because of sensory issues so consider this possibility and ask a professional for help if you are unsure.
Besides increasing motivation, there are some other things you can do as a parent to increase the likelihood of your child being able to follow your directions and we’ll look at these in our next blog post, so stay tuned!
To your parenting journey!
Linda Phillips
MSc. Human Communication
